Season 1, Episode 1 "Premiere"

There's the opening. The opening that will become outdated within one season and schlep off into the sunset at the end of the third. It will become the bane of your existence, alerting your neighbors to exactly what you're watching and make your roommate think "god... AGAIN?!" It is at once dizzingly exciting and incredibly annoying. There is no nostalgia in this opening. It is meant to be a complete throwaway, a sick, sad product of its sick, sad time. Just how sick and sad was this era of gay life? We'll start here, with the premiere episode of what was once Showtime's #1 hit show, and how it made gay culture, once dressed in a fabulous muumuu with rhinestones and heels, put on a crappy $99 suit and traipse from the closet. The show opens at Babylon, one of those fabled gay discos. Babylon features tall platforms for go-go boys, a laser light show, and untz-untz music bumping late into the night. It also features projector screens that show... the video we saw in the intro to the show!! It's all downhill from here, because next thing you know, there's this annoying, nasal voice throwing out "facts" about how men think about sex every 28 seconds, and gay men think about sex every 9... because equality. Oh, and but we're into more than sex, we're also into cybersex. The voice then lists his "stats," as if this is some AOL chatroom. "6'1", 46" chest, 9 1/2 inches, cut..." and then the guy being described walks off screen, and we are left with... Hal Sparks. The voice then introduces himself to us as Michael Novotny, and explains that no one has told the truth since the invention of cybersex.

That's a great word. Cybersex. Too bad it was around for all of 7 years. I think people started having real sex again shortly after that.

We're given a quick rundown of the gang, which is basically a name paired with one generalization. Emmett, who is "campy;" and Ted, who is "smart." The camera moves over the dancefloor, and we meet Brian, who is clearly the god of fuck because he has found something on the dancefloor who wants to go to the back room with him. Michael is ready to leave, so he visits the backroom, where Brian is about to be bestowed with the gift of gonorrhea a blowjob from the dancefloor thing. He tells Michael it'll only be 10 minutes before he wads this dude's gob, so to just chill. Michael, Emmett, and Ted go outside to wait. While they're waiting, there's some rough trade in a dark corner checking out Michael. Michael isn't having it, because he doesn't want to have sex with hot men, he just wants to bitch about not having sex with hot men... this is the premise for the ENTIRE SHOW, after all.

Change scene, enter this cute blonde kid. He's wearing some jeans, a pair of Air Force 1's, light wash denim, and a flannel. This is a fabulously sensible normcore outfit that gives some indication that we're in the Midwest, or somewhere else awful, to say the least. The kid is smoking a cigarette (I quit smoking 3 months ago, but still LOVE smoking in television shows) and asks some guy where he should go tonight. He's told that he's into "twinkies," he should go to BoyToy, if he's into leather, he should go to Meathook, and if he's into "snotty, conceited assholes who think they're better than everybody else," he should try Pistol.

This is the first and final time we are given a hint of diversity of the gay nightlife of whatever town this is. Also, I want to know who this guy pissed off at Pistol. I would totally hang out at Meathook or BoyToy, btw. I'll bet BoyToy hosts a Madonnarama night, and I'm totally down for that.

So Brian staggers out of the bar. As his friends are complaining that it took him too long to cum, he informs them that he got bored. Michael can't believe this, he thought the guy was pretty hot. Brian takes this opportunity to tell Michael that he is a dog. Through a cloud of yellow, set-designed fog, enter Justin. A few of the "Queer as Folk zooms" later, they strike up a pre-Grindr conversation:

Brian: How's it going? You had a busy night? (I think he's assuming Justin is a hustler)

Justin: Just, uh, checking out the bars, you know? BoyToy, Meathook...

Brian: The Meathook? Really? So you're into leather?

Justin: Sure.

Brian: Where are you headed?

Justin: No place special

Brian: I can change that.

Brian is then behind the wheel of his car, under the influence of god-only-knows-what, leaving his three friends for some underage hole.

We enter Brian's apartment. Now this apartment isn't really an apartment, see... it's a loft. You know it's a loft because the door slides. He also has glass around his bedroom... for privacy. There's also stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, which is loft-y. After taking off his shirt and pouring water all over himself to highlight his hot 14 year old physique, Brian offers some "Special K" to Justin, which Justin refuses, because he's allergic to "most drugs." Brian takes off all of his clothes to reveal a 2(x)ist thong. I owned that same style, I think. A light shines directly onto Brian's face, and we see that to go with that hot 14 year old body, hairless and toned, we see the face of a 40 year old. Brian then stands and presents himself, not like a peacock, but... like Jesus... on the cross. It's very unbecoming. They make out.

Michael is dropped off at home, and it turns out that Mr Rough Trade followed him home. Turns out Emmett is Michael's roommate. Emmett encourages inviting the man in, since Michael can't remember the last time he did it.

Brian and Justin are having sex. Brian asks what Justin likes to do, and Justin responds "play 'Tomb Raider'." Brian laughs and asks him if he is a top or a bottom. Justin says he's both, and Brian corrects him and says he's "versatile." This is for all of you viewers who didn't know you could be both or that it had a name. We're talking to you, straight women. Brian asks if he likes to rim, and finally sees how naive he is because Justin doesn't know what that is. The phone rings, and it sounds important. Brian has to go immediately. Justin blows his load while Brian is sitting on top of him, and gets jizz all over Brian's new duvet, which Brian is unhappy about... even though he's the "straight-acting, butch" one. That may be the only stereotype this show breaks.

Michael is about to get it on with Mr Rough Trade, who isn't looking so rough anymore. They're making out, and Michael can't stop yammering on about Emmett living with him. Mr RT tells him to STFU and they start making out again. Michael reaches in to feel Mr RT's ass, and finds that it is fake. Literally. Fake. It is a plastic ass. It looks like it is made from Chinet plates. Michael looks dismayed, but... the phone rings. It's Brian. He's calling to inform Michael that... it's happened. Michael is excited and wants to know when, but Brian doesn't have time to explain, he's going to be there in 2 minutes. While Michael is on the phone, Mr RT reaches into the front of his pants and pulls out... guess what... a prosthetic penis. Brian encourages Michael to "fuck the shit out of him," but Michael wants to be picked up. I would probably be ecstatic to get away from Mr Rough Trade-cum-Plastic Fantastic, too.

Back at Brian's loft, Justin informs Brian that he can't go home because his parents think he's staying with a friend. Brian scoffs at the idea of this kid living at home, and wants to know why. Justin tries to explain that it's because he's still in school... college, that is... and he's a junior. Or a sophomore. Or between the two. Or... shit... but whatever, he's 21. Brian asks what year he was born, and... oops... he has to think to figure it out. Brian calls him on his bullshit, and he says he's actually 20, 19... 18... then fesses up to being 17. Brian wants to know what is up with kids these days, because you know that the ketamine-snortin, blowjob-receiving hunk-of-a-man that is Brian Kinney NEVER, EVER did anything like that when he was 17... oh... there it is. Brian says his first time was when he was 14, with his gym teacher. So, Brian Kinney... WHAT IS UP WITH KIDS THESE DAYS??

We're then regaled with Brian's story of child rape.... memories!

Some circuit music plays, and Michael, Brian, and Justin are now running down the corridors of some hospital. They arrive in a room where a pretty blonde lady and a smartly-dressed brunette are fawning over a baby. The women can't decide on what to name it, but their options are Abraham or Gus. Justin says the kid wouldn't survive in school one day if its name was Abraham. This is also 2000, when there were a ton of Tristans, Christians, and MacKenzies running around... Abraham would probably be pretty cool by the time he got to school. The lesbian mothers want to know who the fuck this kid is, and Brian forgets his name. Michael chimes in with "Justin" and Brian informs him that he committed statutory rape came all over his new duvet just moments ago. All of the lesbians in the room groan with disgust, not because of the indecent nature of the relationship, but because, you know... man parts. Brian approves of "Gus" because it is butch. It is revealed that Brian is the Gus's father.

Brian is smoking on the hospital roof, naturally, and Michael joins him to discuss fatherhood, aging, and grey hairs, but Brian is really bummed out about this... because he's dying. Not in that "I have terminal cancer" kind of way that makes you sympathetic, but in that "I am marching ever closer toward death and then my beauty will fade and men won't want to take me in the back room anymore" kind of way that makes you really not give a fuck. Brian says he'll jump off the hospital to end it all, and Michael gets up to stop him. We don't care, because he's a prick. Unfortunately, he doesn't jump, because we need him to move the plot forward. Michael and Brian embrace on the ledge of the hospital, and some crappy techno music plays.

The blonde lesbian, Lindsey, and Brian have a conversation about how the kid will be provided for, and we learn about their friendship and background and blah blah

More generic techno music, and we see Brian and Justin in the back seat of Brian's Jeep Wrangler (of course.) Michael is driving them home, and Brian is fucked up on ecstasy now. Brian insists Justin go home with him... and we're back at Brian's, which looks like the opening sequence of "Silk Stalkings," but you know... gay.

Back at the Novotny-Honeycutt house, Michael complains to Emmett that he's really horny and how dare Brian interrupt his tricking with his stupid firstborn. Emmett offers some porn goes to bed.

Brian and Justin are STILL having sex and they have safe sex. It's Justin's first time, and Brian coaches him through it and says creepy shit like "I want you to remember this, so that no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there."

When he wakes up, Brian sees that he's trashed the apartment and is dismayed to find Justin still there. He does remember that he let Justin stay with him, but that doesn't explain why the apartment was trashed. Oh, it's because he was doing handstands. His "disco pharmacologist" didn't sell him E, she sold him "some shit that was cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana. This should be NO FUCKING SURPRISE

He still doesn't remember Justin's name.

Michael wakes up to the "Queer as Folk zoom" and a car alarm. Some nasty little brats are smashing up Brian's Jeep Wrangler, spraypainting it, and committing other hate crimes. Michael trots out to the street to call the children "motherfuckers" while they call him "faggot" and he assesses the damage. Brian is going to be unhappy, Emmett adds, because "you know how he feels about his Jeep."

There's a hot shower running and Justin is in it. Brian joins him and is given the details of the hospital and things, and Brian explains how artificial insemination works. Apparently, Justin's mother tells him that she wishes she hadn't had him, like all good mothers do. They talk about parenthood and responsibility and same sex families, and then fuck. Michael comes to collect him wearing a hideous beige outfit. Brian walks outside wearing a grey three-button suit with the largest lapel in all the land, and there, he sees the damage to his beloved Jeep. They take Justin to school in the Jeep that has "FAGGOT" spraypainted on its side in bright pink. Justin is bullied and sexually harassed by his schoolmates, so Brian defends him by threatening sexual violence. When he asks if he can see Brian again, Justin is brutally rebuffed and Brian drives away. Heartbroken and outed, Justin marches into school and meets his friend Daphne, who he then tells all about Brian Kinney, fuck machine.

While driving through the streets of (city), USA (or Canada?), Brian and Michael are getting looks. Let me tell you, for being (city), it's really busy. This is where the show's only positive message comes in: Michael wants to know when Brian is going to get the Jeep repainted, and Brian replies that he isn't. He likes his Jeep declaring his sexuality for him. Brian was born this way. He is a firework. Michael is less enthusiastic.